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THE CRUSTY AFFAIR...
'Oh Deere', says chairman as Krusty throws his toys around
By EADT roving reporter, W.Gummage.
18th February 2002
The trials and tribulations felt around the ground at Portnam Road continued
this morning when it emerged that the South American summer signing Krusty
Del Crispio had failed to turn up for training. This is the last in a
series of events that started when Krusty arrived in the country amidst a
media storm surrounding his fondness for the TFC under 16's squad. Despite
this, however, Krusty appeared to be settling in well but earlier this week
all that changed when Gaffer, the Tractor FC's Gaffer, decided to put him on
a one match loan to close rival MSFC.
MEMBERS
'We were delighted with the news', scoffed Butter Mountain fat cat El
Presedente from within his luxurious mock Tudor penthouse suite in London's
W1. 'Del Crispio was just the player we needed, not only due to his
undoubted talents on the pitch, but also because we knew he could be easily
bribed'. Declining to expand on the exact perimeters of the contract, El
Presedente merely stated that Krusty would be well looked after, both by the
close attention of his immediate families members, and by a harem of
expensive cheap women.
OFFERED
At the Road, however, John Deere has as yet remained quiet about what is
obviously an embarrassment to a club seeking to attract major players. 'We
already have many fine players amongst our midst,' said Deere this morning,
'but what's important is that they play for us and not against us. I've
been speaking to the Gaffer this morning and all the lads are 110% behind
him staying'. When pushed as to the terms of the contract Deere was more
revealing, saying, 'I know El Presedente have made a strong offer and we are
trying to match it. However, as yet there has been no response from either
KNB or Alana. However, our vice captain Beale has come up with a bargaining
chip that he says may help in the discussions, but the proof of it is as
yet, 'to be developed'.
Speculation continues as to the exact thoughts of Del Crispio's mind, but
what is clear is that whoever does end up with him, they will only do so if
they continue to treat him with kid gloves.
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THE CRUSTY AFFAIR...
(Gaffer in the dressing room after training that morning)
'Now listen up lads!
This morning you may have noticed the press standing outside when you
came into the ground and if you already don't know, its because that
South American creep enjoyed his stay on loan so much, he's thinking
of not coming back. I've had words with Mr Deere and Mika this morning
and they agree that this is a serious situation that needs a team
vote. Over to you Mika!'
'Uhh.. hummmm. Ah! That's right lads, the gaffer's not wrong. It
seams like the greasy wop would rather shower in another dressing
room and practice his man-to-man marking elsewhere. For that reason,
I've decided to put it to the vote. So then, all those in favour of
having a back stabbing bad playing muppet from the wrong side of the
tracks rubbing you down after a match playing for us speak up?
Right, no-one - interesting.. And all those who would rather
he stayed put in eternal cahoots with El Presedente and his flowing
butter mountain of worthless promises, fourteen, good, that settles
it then! Any questions? Saddam...
'Does this mean that I can unleash some chemically enhanced scuds
and Iranian music at Bridge Foot Farm and sacrifice a goat, ah ha
ha ha!?*&$'
'Errm, physio give him a head massage, Harry,'
'What will that do to the share price, have investors lost
confidence, how are my assets?'
'Yup good one Harry, that's the spirit, confidence assets nice!... Ben?'
'Was there really a mouse in the wall this weekend or were you on the job Mika?'
'Right, I think we've covered everything, Gaffer.'
'Right, I agree. Motion held at present (but I must go to the loo in
a second), so it looks as if Krusty Del Crispio may well be off to
MSFC. I will inform the chairman and report back. I should say at
this point that I could offer the player the world to stay, but I
saw the look in his eyes when he spied El Presedente, so I think
that it would be a lost cause. Of course, should he decide on his
own accord to return to the fold, I'm sure I'm not the only one
who'd offer my congratulations and a firm hand shake.'
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